I remember the moment I realized that I had been disposing of people so easily.
A friend of mine invited me to meet her and her new love interest on the terrace of a fancy rooftop in NYC many years ago. She and I had spent many days and nights discussing the dates we had been on and the kind of dates we wanted to be on. My friend had been on a date with this specific man a few times and had developed an affinity for him. She was excited for me to meet him. I may have chatted with him for about 5 minutes and then I turned to her and whispered, you could definitely do better. I loved this friend very much and her facial reaction nearly crushed me. She was so disappointed in my superficial observation paired with a disappointment in my failure to find the charm in her date. I was embarrassed and ashamed. I was also heartbroken because I felt like I let her down.
Where did I learn to base someone’s worth merely on a 5 min chat and their appearance? Where did I learn that it was ok to be so insensitive to anyone, no less to someone that I really cared about and respected? Why was this person so disposable after only 5 minutes of chatting? Was it time to find a new way of thinking?
What you give is what you get.
It seems that I spent a lot of time in my 20’s and early 30’s disposing of men and equally being disposed by men as well. But, what could I expect. After all, we manifest the kind of experiences we have in our lives by the kind of actions we send out. To put it simply, if I have the mentality that no one is good enough for me, why would i attract open minded people who see the best in me. It just wouldn’t happen and if it did happen, it wouldn’t last because a person with a healthy sense of self worth becomes really good at recognizing when someone doesn’t appreciate them. They won’t stick around because they understand it’s not going to help them grow.
Girl, you need to work on yourself!
As I have gotten older, I’ve learned the importance of flexibility, compassion and acceptance whether it be a potential mate or a friend. It took me a while to build the kind of characteristics that I could respect in myself and unlearn the bad habits and conditioning I had picked up along the way. I dated a lot of superficial mirror images of myself that left me feeling very empty and disappointed. It’s not fun to look at yourself in the mirror and say, “girl, you need some work“. It can be dang scary but working on yourself is the key to improving the relationships around you.
When I finally felt proud of myself, I noticed that I started to attract a different kind of person into my life. I became more confident and gained the courage to say yes and no at the appropriate times. Sounds like an easy thing to do but for those who don’t have a strong sense of why they are, saying yes seems like the logical way to get people’s approval, to be liked. However, that couldn’t be farther from the truth because nothing is more powerful than someone who stands on their own not needing the approval of others.
Things I want to remember.
There are always reasons behind our actions. There is a logical reason why I was so critical, mostly because I was extremely critical of myself. I never felt good enough in any way and so, how could I see those qualities in others. Not possible. With a little soul searching we all may begin to uncover the root of our tendencies.
As flawed creatures, the best that we can do is be better when we know we can. I don’t want to be the kind of person who dismisses someone because they don’t fit a certain mold. I know now that the most interesting people I have met were those that broke molds. I would have missed out on so much if I hadn’t crossed paths with them. So, in closing, let’s promise to remind ourselves that people aren’t disposable, we aren’t disposable. Let’s practice believing that daily. xo