Recently, when I turned 40, I had come to a pivotal point in my life. I realized that no one else was going to fight for that little girl inside of me, but me. This took years of reckoning. All the while, I was accepting mediocre treatment in relationships, whether they were with friends or lovers. It included that utter feeling of inadequecy when I would attend interviews. I would sit there and feel like I was being judged by this person who knew nothing about me except for the energy that I was exuding in the interview. I don’t blame them, I blame myself because it was me who wasn’t believing in my potential. These thoughts were formed from years of feeling like I had to blend in, because who I really was, wasn’t good enough to stand out. All of these misconceptions that I had developed in my mind were what I based all of my decisions and feelings on.
Generally speaking, I figure, by the time you are in your late teens and after you experience your first real heartbreak, you probably have formed your core character, demons and all. That said, I was 23 when I had my first devastating heartbreak, so, according to my calculations, it has taken me 17 whole years to figure out that there is no one in this world that is responsible for validating my self worth but me. It has also taken me this long to figure out that there is no one who will fight for me, but me.
Interestingly enough, I was speaking with a friend of mine, who admitted that she hadn’t figured this out until her mid-50’s. I asked myself, what is it that allows some of us to come to terms with why and what is holding us back in life before others. What is it that allows some of us to embrace the issues, accept them and seek to fix the misconceptions we based our decisions on-our entire lives before this point. According to this article I read a few weeks ago, the answer is partially humility.
Humility: the quality or state of not thinking you are better than other people : the quality or state of being humble. Humility is not just about being the opposite of a cocky person, it’s actually admitting to yourself that you don’t know it all. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Telling yourself that you don’t have all the answers and that perhaps you could benefit from some insight regardless of where it came from. And that this is all ok.
I think when we are really genuine with ourselves, and choose to face the truth head on, we can un-do the damage that was done to us when we were innocent children.
True freedom comes when ego goes.
In our early forming years, we are tested so many times and even as an adult, I found myself challenged with fitting into various types of social settings. If we can admit that doing drugs is not our thing and that the whole concept of fitting into a scene you don’t even like is bullshit… When we can acknowledge that getting drunk to the point of disaster is not what cool kids or adults do and even if it was, maybe we don’t want to be that kind of cool because sometimes it just doesn’t bring out the best in us. If we can admit that very often after drinking, we hate the way it makes us feel on many levels and that we are embarrassed and have let ourselves down. If we can believe in ourselves enough to not need the attention of every guy or girl in the room, or if we can just admit that we aren’t into designer clothes that everyone wears,..or if we can give up the need to compete with our knowledge on whatever topic because that’s how we validate our inteligence,..I mean the list goes on, and on.
Quoting this article I read from Tricycle magazine…I misplaced the author’s name: Spiritual change is precisely a process that is bigger than you. You don’t control it. You surrender to it. You don’t reinvent yourself, you face yourself, and then you must let go of everything you find.
Once you do this, what you attract afterwards, will surprise you and may even change your life for the better. xo