I wrote this poem below probably in my early 30’s.. which was a very unsettling time in my life personally as I’m sure you all have your own disenchanting stories. Anyhow, I was dissapointed at where I was in my life at that time, and I was still trying to sort out why this person that I thought was going to be the “one” wasn’t ready and eventually quit our relationship. I was also watching all of my best friends planning their weddings or having children. I was never jealous of them because I knew that the men in their lives, were perfect for them and I needed to find the right person for me, but I struggled separating my desire to be happy for them and the despair I had felt for myself.
At this point in my life, I was working at the FIT library, which is my Alma Mater. At the library I was blessed to work with a handful of brilliant souls, all of which who influenced me in one way or another, whether they realized it or not. My immediate supervisor’s name was Beth, we are still friends today, although we don’t talk nearly as much as I would like. Beth was a brilliant writer, imaginative, creative, quirky and just so clever with words. I loved listening to her talk and the words she chose to tell a story. I worked at the library for less than a year, but in that time, I allowed myself to be a sponge, and soaked up as much as I could from Beth and anyone else I was surrounded by.
While working at the library, I developed an interest in writing. I had always enjoyed writing poems in high school but never really wrote much after that. I suppose that interest laid dormant within me, until someone I met inspired its manifestation.
The library allowed me to read as many books as I could manage and also exposed me to a plethora of history, art, architecture, fashion, etc… I was in heaven. One day, I shared something I wrote with Beth and she genuinely enjoyed it and encouraged me to write more. I can’t tell you what this meant to me, but that summer, I wrote and wrote and wrote…and I was amazed at what came out of this little mind. It was basically the inspiration behind Vanilla Clouds. Without this experience, I don’t think that I would have had the push that I needed or the encouragement that was essential to believing that my writing was any good.
I have no idea why, (still figuring that out) but I’ve always been the type of person who sought wisdom from wherever it came. It’s the one thing that I always share with youth; find good mentors, good influences, people who are essential to your growth, and be a sponge.
So, back to my poem below. I wrote this during that soul searching time but I also wrote it for a friend who was having a birthday. She is someone I was super close with after college and all through our 20’s and part of our 30’s. She was going through similar experiences and I wanted to sort of ease her mind. Sometimes, the answer isn’t about finding a perfect guy to validate our existence. Sometimes it’s about finding peace within us, whatever it takes. Searching for those demons, calling them out and taking control of your destiny. So, here I share one of my stepping stones….
The sun will soothe my woes
And the sand will warm my toes
The trees, the flowers, bring tranquility
The mountains, the oceans, instill a peace in me
Take me to a place
For you I will leave no trace
How I arrive is not quite clear
I will close my eyes and have no fear
I am in search of that mirror
That will remind me of my smile
A different perspective, a different style
A sea of love, an ocean of glory
A river of souls, an epic story
Me and my groovy new beach cruiser!